Ask Cousin Stanoczk

Have a question for Cousin Stanoczk?  Contact me, and I’ll see if I can get him to talk sense!

How do you pronounce your name?

My name is pronounced “st’n-OSH.”  But you may call me “darling,” if you are prepared to accept the consequences.

Do you like being a slave of the Malcontent? If mixed feelings, what do you like and what do you dislike? Would you change anything about it if you could, if so what and how?

Do I like being Malcontent, what a question. Go and ask eight-and-eighty of the religious in the service of other Saints, and then come and ask me that question, when you have tabulated the results and performed standard regression test on them and also established the standard deviation by manual calculation, and with a dull stylus please, and do not neglect to check your work three times. You are impertinent. What do I dislike? Having to entertain impertinent questions, that is what I dislike, but the Holy Mother in Her infinite and unfathomable wisdom has decreed that impertinence is also within the scope of Her forbearance. She has said nothing about answering impertinent questions, however, or if She has She has said nothing to the Saint (may he wander in bliss) about it. At least nothing that is on record. What is to drink?

What is your favorite colour? Meal? External article of clothing hemmed/unhemmed? Piece of footwear? Undergarment?

I have as many favorite colors as there are colors of skin, and then of course the same skin may have many interesting shades, depending on where it is to be found on the anatomy. It is no use trying to decide what one’s favorite color may be when there is so much variety from among which to chose. What color is the skin at the back of your neck just below your hair-line? In the winter, or in the summer? When you are blushing? If you have gotten a tattoo? You can see the difficulty.

My favorite meal is unquestionably that which prepared in someone else’s kitchen and consumed around the middle of the afternoon, I am not particular as to the spices or seasonings, whatever you have handy will be fine and I hope there are pastries and spiced meat amongst the offerings, and yes thank you a cup of tea or coffee or whatever it is that is your local equivalent will be very acceptable, always supposing that the cream that you to me offer is not of a reduced-fat variety as attempts to better the gifts of the Holy Mother by reducing their fat content is irreligious by definition although the Holy Mother in Her infinite mercy does not in the least disapprove of additions of fat and sugars though a Malcontent must under no circumstances have to do with skim anything unless you speak of the cream which is to be skimmed from the top of a lovely pail-full of unhomogenized milk. That sort of skimming is not inappropriate.

I do not know whether my favorite article of hemmed clothing is your upper garment or your lower garment, so if you would remove them please so that I can make a comparison and decide, I will let you know. But as to unhemmed garments, the less said about those, the better.

I am rather fond of woven-grass footgear because it creaks in an appealing manner as one walks and also wears out periodically, requiring visits to places where one can purchase woven-grass footgear as well as boat drinks and other accessories.

My favorite undergarment is of clean white or unbleached linen. Undergarments are a necessary and hygienic provision of a proper person. They are best admired once artfully arranged on the carpet beside the bedding surface or strewn at a suitable distance upon a piece of furniture at some paces’ remove.

Who painted the pictures in the Great Gallery under Chelatring Side? How did it get there since it doesn’t officially exist? Are there Galleries under other Koscuisko households? Or the households of other families?

First, there is no such Great Gallery. I don’t know who you have been talking to, but they have been feeding you a pudding made of elk’s milk.

So long as that is understood: The pictures are painted as they become necessary, which means that they have been accumulating for octaves and would represent an interesting and possibly valuable cultural resource if they existed which they do not. It is difficult in many instances for a soul to express its heart’s desire; it is contributory to healing when a person need only point.

There are several such galleries, whose existence is all hypothetical. There is one associated with the Autocrat’s Court and others associated with other old and powerful families in a position to owe the Saint favors and protect His property accordingly. When a soul in anguish is incapable of expressing the point of his or her distress he or she may be brought to one such gallery for retreat, and left to wander amongst the paintings until one that speaks to the secret that cannot be spoken is located. Several persons may also be on site to present tableaux vivants in case there is no appropriate painting; in those instances the creation of a new painting will be considered. Whether the same paintings are to be found in different places would be an interesting question if they existed at all, which they don’t. Are we clear on this?

And as to how such a thing would get “there,” if it were there, I should not need to remind you that your duty to the Saint is to notice His slaves when they present themselves to your notice — and not otherwise. It is, how is it said in your culture, “enough said.”

Do you have any dogs? I like dogs. Do you like dogs? How does the Saint (may he wander in bliss) feel about dogs? I hope he likes dogs. Finally, you wouldn’t happen to have such a thing as a biscuit, would you?

I quite like dogs. Dogs represent in some ways the ideal of service under the Saint, may he wander in bliss. They are devoted, forgiving, grateful, and happy by nature; but also, they deserve to be petted, cared for, fed, housed in warm shelters with clean bedding, and included in the community of hominid and canid alike. They are also useful servants without whom the Blood could never have achieved its stature in the universe.

I had dogs when I was a child, before I became slave to the Saint. Now that I belong to the Saint I have several companion animals to care for, some of which are dogs. Although the record is not clear on the issue, it is widely understood that a man of the Saint’s place and position would have kept a number of dogs of all descriptions; the lack of references in the texts is no argument against, because during the time of his mortal existence it would have been remarkable had he no dogs rather than the other way around. I feel certain that it is an integral part of the keregma of the Saint that he likes dogs; the blessings of the Malcontent are upon them, and we in turn receive significant blessing from the Saint through the agency of dogs – comfort, companionship, and someone to care for.

I do not have a biscuit, because there are several dogs of my acquaintance who have already been to see me this morning. If you would care to follow the fragrance of marrow-bone, oats, and fresh liver, I am sure you will find the kitchen, and rely on you to persuade the staff to part with some for yourself. You are a good dog. Yes.